This is the first chapter of Headache, an apocalyptic modern fantasy by Huon Longman. It is published serially online, every Sunday at midnight, Greenwich Mean Time. It contains coarse language, violence and scenes of a sexual nature. If you’re under 18, and/or find such content objectionable, and/or are forbidden from reading such material, it’s probably best to leave. There are also far too many pop culture references for this to be healthy for you. Other than that, please enjoy and post comments, corrections, and constructive criticism.
The pain. It all started with the pain. The pain that started slowly at first, innocuously, the sort of scratchy behind-the-eyeball feeling you get before the first double strength espresso of the day. It got worse though. Of course it did. A lot worse, a whole lot fucking worse.
It sort of built up, you see, sort of snuck up on you, lulled you into a false sense of security, got you thinking “ok, maybe I can do this, maybe I can get through today” and then you sat back after filling out Mrs. Joan Smith’s tax form, looked over to see if the cute intern was wearing black panties under a white skirt again, and then you realised it hadn’t really gone, it had been sort of floating there at the edge of your consciousness, waiting for you to stop thinking about whether or not Mrs. Smith’s 47-year-old live at home son counted as a carer or as a dependent, and if that meant she was owed $300 by the government, under Item 34(b), or if she owed the government $300 under Item 42(c/3), and slid into the tiny gap between thoughts, where the stream of consciousness was more of a stagnant pool, and said, in an impossibly cheery voice –
“Hi, remember me?
-before kicking you behind the face like a pair of bailiffs at 6am after a night out on the piss.
“Hi, it is Tom isn’t it? Remember me? Cheri’s party?…. – and the Norwegian said to the Lap, yes I’d love another cappuccino?” Giggle. Snort. Giggle.
The snort. That’s right. Some piss poor excuse for a Margarita, ridiculous party hat, Strawberry Switchblade (Oh God, somebody, please, shoot me in the head), and the only girl who laughed at that stupid cappuccino joke, snorted.
“Yeah, of course, umm…Ellen, right?”
“Elise. How have you been? You don’t look so good.”
“Headache. Umm…what are you doing here?”
“Yeah, I’m the new intern.”
“Really? What happened to –“
Miss. Blackpantieswhiteskirt
“- Jolene?”
“Dunno. Just saw the position advertised, applied, here I am. Didn’t even have an interview. Honestly, I don’t have a clue what I’m supposed to be doing. Your boss must be a total moron.”
“He’s right behind you.”
Gasp. Spin. Aghast hand over mouth, cute emo-cut flapping.
Snigger.
“You bastard.”
Smiled when she said it though.
“Honestly, don’t stress about it. Basic tax stuff, just like 101. Trained chimpanzees could do it. In fact, I’m pretty sure half the staff here are chimps.”
“You must feel like your job’s under threat.”
“Way I’m feeling today, Bubbles probably could do a better job.”
“Big night?”
“I wish. At least that way, I’d have had some fun last night. I just woke up with a mild headache, and it’s been getting worse all day. A hangover without all the fun bits.”
“Yeah, I’ve had the same kind of thing. Obviously not as bad as you though.”
“Obviously?”
“Heck, no. If I looked that bad, I wouldn’t have left the house.”
“Bitch.”
With a smile.
“Fair’s fair.”
Shrug.
“Look, where’s Mr. Moron’s…I mean, Mr. Penderghast’s office? I’m supposed to see him before I get started.”
“Old Ghastly’s down that way. Third door on the right. The one marked “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.”
“Oh joy.”
“Really, he’s not that bad. He’s actually only in his late-30s, early-40s. Always gets the first round. Just has a really old-fashioned name.”
“Alright then. See you around, ok?”
“Yeah, if my brains haven’t dribbled out my ears.”
She walked of down the corridor. I watched her go. High cut black business pants. Damn. Still, she was cute. Even the snort wasn’t that bad.
“Oh faaarrrck…”
Steel cap tap-dance along my optic nerve. Remember me, boyo?
Filed under: Fiction, Headache Tagged: | Headache, modern fantasy, Online Fiction, pageant of the transmundane
hmmm….. I like this. I particularly liked the begining how the headache was being described from a first person perspective as though the reader were the main character. Ever thought of doing a whole story that way? I mean if you can have a first person shooter video game when not a first person narative?
~Gnorm
Thanks Gnorm, for reading and commenting. The headache bit is actually in the second person:
The first person: I did this.
The second person: You did this.
The third person: Smith did this.
There is actually at least one novel written like that: Buffalo Soldiers by Robert O’Conner. It got made into a movie starring Joaquin Phoenix in 2001. Both the movie and the book are v. good.
Ta, Huon
I’m really digging this, Huon. You’ve used the headache to frame the narrative quite cleverly, and the dialogue with Elise and Tom is top notch. It feels light and natural. (It’s also very sexy, but that might just be the American in me responding to the nuances of Australian vocal patterns. Which is a good thing, I think. I can “hear” the Aussie in their speech.)
Above all, it’s funny, which I like. Sort of a deadpan, self-deprecating cleverness — the voice reminds me vaguely of the sort of inner dialogue you’d expect from John McClain in the Die Hard movies.
My only regret is that I wanted more, and I’ll have to wait until next week to get it.
I’m definitely looking forward to seeing more.
D.
Enjoyed the first chapter — looking forward to more. Need to read more before I can really write a review of it for Pages Unbound though.
right second person… thats what I meant. I guess. Anyway I’m no writer and don’t know the terms, but again I’ll state that I liked it quite well.
~Gnorm
Dunno if this is an English-American spelling thing, but I’m pretty sure “carer” is spelled “career” in both variations.
And I’m bit confused by this line: “Oh faaarrrck…”
Also, I’ll probably be the voice of dissent, but I didn’t particularly like the introductory, second-person paragraphs. It seems like an attempt to draw us into the world, but it’s not really neccesary — the details and character’s opinions are enough to do that, without making the reader wonder whether there were going to be any prominant characters in the narrative, or if the whole thing will be in second-person.
Other than that, I really liked the set-up. The humor has a sort of understated wryness that I like, and the little details really pull you into it (the way he remembers the intern, and the tax codes each area would fall under).
I also like the way you format the dialogue, when there’s a prominant thought going on in the middle of the sentence — unique and effective.
@Morgan:
Finally, someone’s critical! Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou! I get suspicious when everybody likes things.
The “carer” bit is “carer”, as in, someone who cares for someone, like a live-in nurse.
The “Oh faaarrrck…” is (to me at least) the phonetic spelling of a long, drawn out “Oh fuck” as Tom’s headache comes back.
As for the 2nd person stuff: fair enough, it’s not everyones cup o’ tea.
@ Gnorm:
Don’t worry, I had to look it up on wikipedia.
[...] Ch. 2 Posted on February 4, 2008 by kayne0x1 <<Headache Ch. 1 | Headache Ch. 3 [...]
Interesting start – and the formatting, although non-standard isn’t as distracting as I thought it was going to be.
There’s a certain “Office Space” quality to the apathy towards work – it adds a good dimension, and doesn’t come off as cliché.
Also, as a fellow Aussie, it’s a pleasure to see “English” rather than “American”.